I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
