Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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