dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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