i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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