then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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