I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
