My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
