There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Actions speak louder than pants.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
