i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
If I die, sorry about rent.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
