I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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