I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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