Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
