so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We left the knife in your bed.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
