shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
