I think i sorta joined a cult last night
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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