she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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