her vagine was all disorganized.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
