Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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