the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
