Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
