I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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