All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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