I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
