My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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