Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
