apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
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So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
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I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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