he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
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I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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