Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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