it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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