I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
