New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Green mimosas i think yes
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
