best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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