I puked a lego.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
