I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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