I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
