that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
