I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
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he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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