well I can't set my house on fire every night
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
