I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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