I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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