I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
