Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I AM VODKA MAN
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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