And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
