i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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