Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
