I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
