Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
