Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
