I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
