i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
