You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
