On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
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EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
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There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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