Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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