i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
