Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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