take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
