Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
40s are totally the cure
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
