Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
