Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
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