And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
