WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
