my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
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there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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